How Can We Repair After an Argument?

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This is one I’ve struggled with a lot over the years and one of the things I’ve noticed is that even when the argument ends or the fight is over, there are often underlying unresolved issues. I almost never asked myself whether the problem was fixed, or did we just want to stop fighting.‍ ‍

With our made-up couple, Kim and Teddy, one of the key themes of their frustrations are the repetitive nature of their arguments; they kept going back to the same issues. I have had the same experiences in nearly all my relationships; so I want to explore in this piece some way to end the cycles and hopefully offer some insights that may help in your relationships too.‍

First though, I want to clarify some misconceptions I’ve had about conflicts in relationships…maybe you share them also.‍

I also want to be clear that I’m not referring to anything that turns physical or violent; either with a person or with inanimate objects. There’s no place for that in any relationship, let alone one that is supposed to be healthy, loving, and mutually beneficial.

I believe that in healthy relationships, no one wants to be in an argument. However, disagreement and conflict are a common feature of all relationships because people come in with differing opinions, experiences, attachment styles, needs, and boundaries. Engaging in healthy and productive ways when these differences arise can benefit and sustain a relationship.

What arguments do not indicate is that love is fading. They do not mean that the relationship is toxic. They do not mean that the other person is attacking you as a person. They do not mean that there is something “inherently wrong” with the relationship because healthy couples never argue.

It means that the point has been reached where you or your person feel safe enough in the relationship to have hard conversations. This is a key moment because the way conflicts are handled will set the tone for the rest of your journey together.

The other side of a conflict will either solidify and support the relationship or become a path toward its demise.

Healthy relationships are not defined by the absence of conflict. They are defined by the confidence that the relationship can survive conflict.

Where Are You in Your Relationship?

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Hopefully before any conflict arises there are two things you should have a clear understanding of; What is the foundation of the relationship? What kind of relationship are you trying to build?

You cannot test the sea-worthiness of a vessel while it’s still sitting in dry dock. Only during the buffeting of rough seas as the storm rages around you, you will know whether you’ve built something solid or you need to cling to the life preserver.

The same is true of relationships. This is because whatever your relationship is truly built upon will express itself during conflict.

Is your relationship built on mutual trust? Mutual respect? Friendship?

Or is your relationship built around toxic ego? Or the fear of abandonment and loneliness? Obligation?

If your relationship is relatively new a solid foundation may not have been formed yet. But it is worth exploring what type of foundation the two of you want the relationship to be built on.

It’s important to accept that at some point you and your person will disagree; you will cross boundaries; you will trigger each other; you will say or do something hurtful; and you will lose your temper.

Acceptance isn’t an invitation. Those things will come no matter whether you accept that they will or not. Acceptance allows you to frame conflicts as a normal occurrence filled with opportunity, not an unusual deviation from the life you’re trying to build together.

You should never, ever instigate conflict just to test your partner’s love, loyalty, or endurance for pain. That’s not healthy and you will likely not get the results you’re seeking. Instead, you will create an environment wrought with resentment, mistrust, and confusion.

Conflict should be viewed as an opportunity to learn about yourself and your partner, not a test of devotion.

One of the strongest elements of conflict resolution is understanding which team you tend to play on during conflict. When things are stable, you both are exhibiting positive energy, and you both are in agreement, there is a sense that you are on the same team. However, since it is unrealistic to expect that you will always agree, it is important to notice whether you have a tendency to “switch teams.”

Quite simply put, have you noticed that conflicts often turn into me vs you?

In conflict, do you feel:

• put upon

• attacked

• dismissed

• blamed

• defensive

• misunderstood

• angry

If so, ask yourself whether those feelings are justified. Are they coming from what your partner is currently saying or doing? They may be. Or, are they coming from the experiences, fears, traumas, or learned protection behaviors you have brought with you into the relationship?

I won’t lie to you and tell you that these are easy questions to ask yourself. I also don’t want to imply that you must be “healed” to be ready to ask them. I also do not mean that that if you are asking, that doing so alone will bring healing. It will be a struggle. At first, you will fail more often than you succeed.

As I have emphasized in previous discussions, it is the consistent practice and effort that matters. Over time the space will open for repair. It isn’t magic and real repair requires you both to participate, and all you can truly control is how you show up. But, even if your partner isn’t ready yet, don’t let that stop you because this isn’t couples therapy. This is for you to learn how to do your part.

Ultimately, we all want our conflicts to become less me vs you and more us vs the problem.

From that perspective it is easier to remember that you are both trying to solve the same issue. You are both uncovering your shared values.

Which means you are seeking to approach each other with:

• kindness

• ‍honesty

• respect

• curiosity

• ‍compassion

The question that matters more than “who is correct” is "What kind of relationship are we trying to build?"

Every Argument Has Two Conversations

You might assume that I am referring to the conversation you have with your partner and just mentally uttered duh!!! But before you write this off, I am alluding to the often-conflicting internal conversations you and your person have within yourselves.

There is the surface issue that is over money, chores, or sex. The second conversation that is assigning emotional meaning under the surface. Examples of this are:

"You are not hearing me."

"I'm afraid I don't matter."

"I don't feel chosen."

"I'm afraid this relationship isn't safe."

The fight is almost never about the surface issue…that is just a conversation. The emotion that becomes attached to it is an indication that the issue unlocked an old fear.

It’s not that your emotions are invalid. It’s not that you must dismiss your emotions. But you may need to step outside of your emotions enough to stay present in the conversation. If you pause long enough to observe where those feelings are coming from, that pause allows you the opportunity to move from defensiveness to curiosity. Curiosity in how you and your partner can remain safe and engaged while resolving the issue.

Repair does not require that you self-abandon or discard your boundaries. In fact, real repair allows you to remain true to your authentic, better self. That does not mean that you are never vulnerable enough to admit when you are wrong and take responsibility for that.

Repair does not require that one person has to be wrong and the other right. You may both be wrong. You may both be right. Repair does require that you both seek to understand the other. Not agree, but understand. With understanding, the care and respect you have for each other should naturally lead you to a place where you both can exist and grow together. And at the end of the day, isn’t that what you both want?

The key is to make sure you two are having the same conversation.

In a loving relationship, when anger surfaces, it’s usually not because your person is intentionally trying to hurt you, but impact matters too, so the real hurt must be addressed.

For me, there were times when my anger was protecting something I felt vulnerable to. I lashed out and blamed because of my fear of rejection. I would isolate or leave first because of abandonment. I would self-sabotage because of my fear of inadequacy. I would create unnecessary barriers and boundaries because of my fear of repeating childhood patterns.

It’s not necessary to dredge up every childhood wound at the first sign of conflict. Just try and acknowledge that your reactions today may be borrowing from yesterday’s fears.

The Work of Repair

When it comes to repair, the first thing I want to establish is that it must be a shared responsibility.

No one can repair a relationship alone. It requires something from both people. One may need to apologize, but the other has to choose whether or not to forgive. One may need to listen, but the other has to choose to speak honestly.

Both of you must remain curious without assigning blame…because repair cannot be outsourced to others.

Remaining curious allows you to ask questions like:

“Can you help me understand...”

“Tell me what that felt like...”

“What did you hear me say?”

“Is there something I'm missing?”

Curiosity dismantles assumptions and assumptions feed conflict.

The key I want you to understand is that repair is not a thing you do—it is a practice you and your person engage in—over and over.

To be able to practice well, understanding a couple of common behaviors will help. One is that everyone communicates differently. Some explain. Some defend. Some criticize. Some withdraw. Some become sarcastic. Some try to solve. Some cry.

You and I develop our communication styles because at some point, they worked. However, the goal is not to eliminate your style. It is to understand what it is trying to protect.

The other is silence. Not all silence is manipulation. Sometimes it is a sign that you or your person is overwhelmed. Sometimes our nervous system has reached a point where it cannot process more.

There will be times when you become flooded with emotions, and that is valid. But if you find that your emotions are dominating the discussion, the healthiest thing to do is to take some time. To take some space.

Take care to recognize that there is a difference between pausing and abandoning.

Repair requires a return.

While it may seem safer to leave and just hope things will work out, that is unrealistic. Taking space may be healthy, but leaving someone emotionally stranded is not. Because space without return becomes alienation. Communicate to your person that you need some time and commit to returning.

Sometimes repair begins by reassuring the relationship before resolving the issue.

Sometimes, it is as simple as saying, “I’m upset, but I’m still here!”

"Your relationship is not on trial because you disagree. You’re simply learning how to disagree without losing each other."‍

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