How to Respond Instead of React: The First Step Toward Emotional Intelligence.

Your peace lives in the pause!

“Why do I always have to remind you of things that you should be doing anyway?” a frustrated Kim blared out. “I get so tired of repeating myself. You never listen to me, uggh…...”

“What do you mean I never listen to you?” Teddy shot back. “That’s just not true. Why do you always say that when I occasionally forget something you said weeks or months ago. That’s not fair. What about all the stuff you forget, or just ignore?”

Teddy’s face tightened; he held his words. In fact, he held his breath. He knew that no matter what was said next, he’d just lost.

In today’s post, I want to share what I’ve learned about the difference between responding and reacting, especially in confrontational situations. This scenario shows a couple who appear to have been involved in a long-term relationship. What is important here is not the details of the relationship, but rather how to navigate and avoid some of the common mistakes people make when a confrontation feels more like an attack.

The tips I will provide can be applied to a variety of situations and whether the relationship is romantic, friendship, familial, or a business one. These techniques aren’t meant to solve every confrontation, especially those that become aggressive, physical, or risky. They work best when both parties are seeking a positive outcome and have some level of respect for the other person.

On the surface, this may seem like a budding argument about forgetfulness, but in this case — and in most arguments — the words being exchanged are usually symptoms of a deeper issue. What we say in moments of frustration is often the emotional outburst of what the situation symbolizes to each party.

For Kim, it symbolizes that Teddy does not prioritize what she says, that she alone must bear the mental load of the relationship, that he is not paying attention to the “us.”

From Teddy’s perspective, he believes that he cannot make simple mistakes without being judged, that he is not appreciated for the things he does remember, and that he is being treated as if he is careless or incapable of meeting the relationship’s needs.

It is easy to see how both can feel wounded and defensive at the same time. This is where emotional intelligence becomes crucial for awareness, not perfection. Moments like these are pivotal. It is the point where the pendulum could swing from an opportunity to strengthen the relationship bond, or signal the end of affinity.

It is at the midpoint of the pendulum where a choice is made: to react, or to respond.

The difference has little to do with speed and everything to do with the effort made to thoughtfully consider the other person’s perspective. I am not suggesting that you should ignore or suppress your own feeling, or treat the situation as if you must walk on eggshells. It means choosing whether you are building or destroying in that moment.

How Reacting Escalates Conflict

If you find that you tend to react in most conflict situations, you likely feel criticized, attacked, or misunderstood in these situations. Your nervous system defaults to defensiveness because you cannot see that you’ve done anything wrong — or, if you have, you believe the other person is overreacting.

So, you counterattack.

You list the ways they have disappointed you.

You expand the argument to cover old wounds and stored resentments.

From there comes the inevitable shutdown and withdrawal.

You react because your brain is perceiving emotional danger, and to protect your ego and sense of self, you stop listening, you stop considering the other person’s perspective. You move quickly away from empathy and reason. You basically surrender the conversation over to your fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses.

Once you do, even the tiniest mix-ups feel like utter betrayals.

Responding Changes Everything

Responding is not passive. It does not mean letting it slide, nor does it mean that you have to swallow your feelings. Responding is the act of slowing down long enough to choose clarity over chaos. Responding creates space for connection, rather than creating distance.

Choosing connection allows you:

•           To pause before you speak

•           To notice what emotion is rising

•           To identify what you’re actually upset about

•           To speak from experience, not accusation

•           To ask questions rather than assuming their intention

And that tiny window — that breath, that pause, that moment of internal vision — can completely alter the outcome of the conversation.

Stop Trying to Win the Argument

Unless you are on a debate team or paid to argue before a judge, the goal of winning an argument is simply ego-driven. It demonstrates a lack of emotional intelligence and maturity. It risks creating a chasm so deep, so wide, that the relationship may never recover. It ruins the sense of emotional safety the other person needs from the relationship.

Emotional safety is the foundation of any meaningful relationship, whether romantic or otherwise.

Winning the Relationship

If you want to follow your path to personal growth and shift from reacting to responding, here are some practices you can work on.

Be aware of your internal signals — if your jaw starts to tighten, you hear your voice raising, your thoughts race, or your chest heats up — these are signs that your body is preparing to react.

Breathe before you speak — I know, I know, breathing is automatic, but be intentional — a single intentional breath delays the auto-response and re-engages reason.

Ask one question to ground yourself — “What am I feeling right now?” or “What am I afraid this is saying about me?”

Speak from your truth, not your assumptions — try saying “I feel dismissed / ignored / invalidated when…...” — rather than “You never listen to me.”

Making these small shifts doesn’t just change conversations — they change connections.

What is There to Gain?

Practicing how to respond will impact all your important relationships.

You will begin to experience:

Less emotional exhaustion — the energy required to constantly self-regulate from conflicts is draining.

Fewer repeated arguments — Arguing can be a healthy process that allows you the opportunity to learn more about your person, but when you find that you are having the same argument over and over, that’s neither helpful nor healthy.

Your goal should be to develop healthier communication patterns that are rooted in trust, clarity, and vulnerability. Responding rather than reacting builds those qualities in a relationship and creates a safe place to discuss differences.

What you will learn about yourself is what triggers you and what your fears are. You will start to understand those deep wounds and unspoken needs.

It is that self-awareness that becomes the soul of emotional intelligence.