Choosing Pieces

Every time I broke apart and severed into pieces

I felt the life drain from my soul

Blood flowed sluggishly through my veins

My thoughts, random and disorganized, attacked me from all sides

The pain followed me even into my dreams and created landscapes that left me sweating with terror and despair.

I thought of death

I thought of my death

I thought my death was the only way to make it stop

I stopped short every time

I don’t know why

I just know that that was the point where I could work my way back

I never looked at the pieces I’d shattered into

Or, maybe I did subconsciously

As if reassembling a puzzle, I reconstructed a thousand times before from memory

Every time I rebuilt myself

Survived to rebuild myself

Suffered to rebuild myself

I did so in ways that guaranteed that I would shatter again

In the same way

For the same reasons

This time is different

This time I am choosing which pieces to connect

I am discarding the ones that no longer fit

I am only keeping the ones that make me whole

Even if they are a little frayed at the edges.

This time I am purposeful and directed

Called to and excited for......

The future

This time I am choosing you

I am choosing you as the centerpiece of my puzzle.

I am choosing you

And all your frayed edges

I am choosing you

And all I know we are

All I know we can be